Wednesday, September 22, 2010

happy 7 months nolan cordero!

whew...the last two posts seriously took it out of me.  but, it is amazing how "good" i feel when i talk/write about sofia...i feel like it is the simplest, yet most precious way for me to honor her.

on a lighter note: today is my little man's 7 month birthday!  hurrah! 

he is really working that crawling...seems to have finally put the leg and hand movements together today.  watch out now!

swimming started back up again today in as my mom says the "nakey baby pool".  heehee.  so cute.  he rolled from his back to face in the water twice, went under with our help once and literally dove of the little diving board! (that one surprised him a bit.  ha!)  such a big boy already.  i can't believe it.

he says "ma-ma" and occasionally throws in a "da-da". 

he pretty much hates lying on his back for even a second, which makes diaper changing ever so tricky. 

he is a little dare devil who is always on the move.

he growls and makes funny singing/howling/sighing noises with a blank face and no mouth movement...i guess you have to see that one, but it's pretty funny. 

he loves tags, straps and drawstrings, balls, books, books, books, his brand new stacking cups and anything i'll let him put in his mouth.

his two bottom, middle teeth getting bigger by the day!

he is a total ham for the camera, which makes it nearly impossible to get a candid shot of the kid no matter how stealthy i try to be. 

he thinks the kitty is so much fun and is doing a really good job of "gently" petting her, though i'm uncertain if she would agree.  ;)

he barely fits in his carseat that claims to fit a child up to 32 lbs and 32 inches (neither of which he is very close to)...i may have to take this up with graco.

he is my little cuddle bug who loves to be close to mama and makes me laugh all day long!

he fills our house with dirty clothes, lots of toys and even more joy and happiness. 

we are so glad you chose us to be your parents, little lamb!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

the story of sofia: part two

when we left the ultrasound appointment, we were in shock.  we sat in the car for i don't know how long before we drove home.  i can't thank god enough that anthony was there with me that day. i was in pieces and i don't know how i would have made it home.

we had the night to mourn our little girl (we actually still didn't know that she was a she), knowing that in the morning i would have to do the most unthinkable thing.  how in the world do you prepare yourself to go through labor and not get to take your baby home with you?  still to this day, i have no idea how i did it.

we got to the hospital at 10-ish saturday morning and by 2:00pm, i was in a gown, hooked up to an iv, being induced by cytotec. the doctors, residents and nurses were absolutely amazing.  before they got me all hooked up, they performed another ultrasound for verification and to see if they could determine any sort of a cause (to no avail).  this was the first time we got to see our baby.  the second came 32 hours later when i gave birth to a 22 week old (5 1/2 months), 1lb 3oz, 11 inch little girl.  even though at this point, she had been gone for at least 2 and up to 3 1/2 days, she was still so unbelievably beautiful.  we had brought two blankets from home that my grandma had made for her.  one stayed with her and one came home with us.  they gave us foot and hand prints. we held her.  we took pictures.  we talked to her.  i sang to her.  and just like that, our little girl was gone.

we went home late the next evening and i fell...i fell deep.  there were days that hurt so bad that i had to be nearly pried out of bed.  there were days that i no longer wanted to be.  even now, as i sit here typing this, tears stream down my face.  my heart aches.  not a day goes by that i don't think of her, that i don't talk to her, that i don't sleep with her blanket and wish it was her instead and not everyday, but so very often, i cry...oh, how i cry.

it is unbelievable to me to think that when i found out i was pregnant, i felt so unsure and frightened about being a mother.  and a mere 5 1/2 months later, there wasn't anything i wanted more. to have that ripped away from me...i can't even put into words how that felt.  my heart feels pain for every woman who has lost a child.  it is a crevice in my heart and my soul that will never heal and i know every other woman feels exactly the same way.  i now has made me a stronger woman and a better mother.  i just wish that there had been another way, any other way for me to become this new woman.

i love you my sweet sofia.  you will always be my little girl and someday i will hold you in my arms again.  until then, i will hold you in my heart.

~sofia isabella lam, born december 7th, 2008~

Monday, September 20, 2010

the story of sofia: part one

it has been just over two years since my journey to motherhood began.  i remember the day as if it was yesterday that we found out we were pregnant for the first time.  sheer terror...that was what i felt!  ha.  i think it took me about two days to realize how excited i was for this new adventure in my life. 

through laughter, joy, crazy emotional outbursts, lots of nausea and time spent with my head in the toilet, excitement, anxiety and wonderful anticipation, the weeks went by.  we prepared as best we could for our little bundle of joy that was on the way.

at 20 1/2 weeks, i went on a trip to oregon and washington to visit my family and friends for thanksgiving.  i remember sitting at breakfast with my good friend caitlin when i felt the first kick.  on my right side, just below my ribs.  i thought "no way...was that a kick?" so, nonchalantly, i placed my hand on my belly and "boop" there it was again.  i felt it on my hand!  no doubt about it...the first kick.  at this point we didn't know if baby was a boy or a girl, but i always had a feeling she was sofia. the week went on.  lots of family, lots of friends.  it's all a blur except for the kicks.  there was a point mid-way through my trip that i wanted to change my plane ticket and come home.  looking back, i think this was an instinct.

she stopped kicking on sunday.  i came home tuesday late at night and i was worried.  wednesday morning we went to the midwives' office for our scheduled prenatal appointment and got a good strong heartbeat on the doppler.  aaahh...relief.  but, still no kicking.  on friday morning we went in for our scheduled anatomical ultrasound.  we were so excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl! the woman doing our ultrasound was awful from the start, but that was seriously overshadowed when a doctor was called in to give us the news.  there was no heartbeat.  they called it a "fetal demise".   i called it the end of my world.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

so i've decided to start a blog...

sheesh...i'm not sure how to start...

i don't think that i ever really realized how much i wanted to be a mother until the fact that i was pregnant really sank in.  from that moment on, my vision was clear. 

years ago, after college and nearly a year of "corporate america" i realized that i was in need of a change.  i ended up going back to school to become a massage therapist.  i liked the idea of helping others in the medical realm, but with a gentler, more natural approach than say if i had gone back to school to be a nurse or a chiropractor or a physical therapist (all things that crossed my mind).  the other thing that i liked about the profession of massage therapy was its, i suppose even then, i knew i wanted to a be a mother some day and that when that day came, i would be an involved one.

today, i am a licensed massage therapist in california, but haven't practiced massage in two years.  maybe at some point i'll go back to it to some degree.  maybe i'll simply parlay it into something else...a doula perhaps?  i'm not certain of any of that.  but, one thing is abundantly clear.  i am a mother and i absolutely love that as my current career.