it has been just over two years since my journey to motherhood began. i remember the day as if it was yesterday that we found out we were pregnant for the first time. sheer terror...that was what i felt! ha. i think it took me about two days to realize how excited i was for this new adventure in my life.
through laughter, joy, crazy emotional outbursts, lots of nausea and time spent with my head in the toilet, excitement, anxiety and wonderful anticipation, the weeks went by. we prepared as best we could for our little bundle of joy that was on the way.
at 20 1/2 weeks, i went on a trip to oregon and washington to visit my family and friends for thanksgiving. i remember sitting at breakfast with my good friend caitlin when i felt the first kick. on my right side, just below my ribs. i thought "no way...was that a kick?" so, nonchalantly, i placed my hand on my belly and "boop" there it was again. i felt it on my hand! no doubt about it...the first kick. at this point we didn't know if baby was a boy or a girl, but i always had a feeling she was sofia. the week went on. lots of family, lots of friends. it's all a blur except for the kicks. there was a point mid-way through my trip that i wanted to change my plane ticket and come home. looking back, i think this was an instinct.
she stopped kicking on sunday. i came home tuesday late at night and i was worried. wednesday morning we went to the midwives' office for our scheduled prenatal appointment and got a good strong heartbeat on the doppler. aaahh...relief. but, still no kicking. on friday morning we went in for our scheduled anatomical ultrasound. we were so excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl! the woman doing our ultrasound was awful from the start, but that was seriously overshadowed when a doctor was called in to give us the news. there was no heartbeat. they called it a "fetal demise". i called it the end of my world.