Wednesday, September 21, 2011

19 months

happy 19 months (tomorrow), little bug.  here's the lowdown of what's been happening:

*your two lower canines came in...well, technically they have been working on it for the past three weeks and are still working on it, but they have both broken through and are growing (is that right?  growing?) every day.

*your grandma made and shipped you a tipi.  it is awesome.  it took me a little while to figure out the mechanics of setting it up, but we got it!  kitty likes it too.  :)

*we went to the aquarium of the pacific in long beach.  it was pretty sweet.  you liked the touch tanks the best.  unfortunately, you haven't quite mastered the idea of "gentle"...and we bought a book that you seemingly have zero interest in.  doh.  fun anyway!

*you perfected the art of nesting cup stacking.

*your uncle tyler married your auntie emilie in a super-hip, super-awesome cermony/reception.  you were the "ring bearer," but i use that term VERY loosely.  :)  you had a cold, it was past your dinnertime, nearly your bedtime and was at the end of two long, out of the ordinary, your "bearing" was really walking down the aisle with me a daddy while i carried you and daddy carried your ring pillow complete with ring pops.  we then passed you over to mopa, who promptly carried you out screaming (you screamed, not him...though i'm sure he was disappointed) so the rest of the guests could enjoy the wedding ceremony.  not really ideal, but i suppose you made it through.  i almost didn't, but that's a whole different thing. :)  you came back and rocked it most of the way through dinner.  you even laughed at all of josh's jokes in his best man's speech...granted you were always a little late so everyone else had quieted down before you laughed, but it worked.  :)  and you looked really, really cute! thanks for being so sweet and patient.

*you had an amazing couple hours with abuelita while mommy and daddy celebrated their third wedding anniversary with lunch and a round of bowling.  somehow, i think the only one not exhausted by the end of the day was your abuelita.  that lady's got some energy!

*you seem to have doubled in size.  well, slight exaggeration, but you had a serious growth spurt.  all your jammies make you look like the hulk.  it's kind of awesome...except for the whole we-have-to-by-you-more-jammies-already bit.  ;)

*you have decided you are done with your high chair.  this one really took me by surprise.  it was only a few weeks back that i was chatting with your "auntie" kari about your buddy cal not being in a high chair anymore.  granted, he is almost 2.5.  before that conversation, somehow the idea of an "end" to the high chair had not even crossed my mind.  we're still figuring out what to do about this.  currently meals are rather terrifying as you prefer to stand on a normal chair next to me and dance while eating.  not ideal...but we're making due.

*fall seems to have least for the last couple of days.  i've been LOVING it and dressing us both as if we live somewhere with a real fall.  :)  these are from today (the day before 19 months) in the park. 

*you continue to amaze me each day.  whenever i don't think it possible to love you anymore, my heart opens even further and the love grows once again.  you make me so happy.  i love you, little man!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

i'm a member of an unwanted sisterhood

in the last week, i have twice heard the heart-breaking news of a mommy losing her baby in utero.  one at 30 weeks.  one at 38 weeks.  hearing this stops me in my matter what i'm doing. that deep cavernous hole that i fell into when we lost sofia starts creeping its way toward my toes.  all i can do is think of my angel baby, pray for those families, hug my son really close and feel the tears well up in my eyes.  i know all too well what they are going through.

the days after i gave birth to sofia, i searched the internet for websites about loss and blogs recounting similar stories.  i couldn't have been alone.  surely there were other women in my same place.  i needed to feel a sense of community...that simply because i was 22 weeks and not 30, 38 or 40 weeks that she wasn't any less "real".  i found them.  lots of them.  and i got sucked in.  with each new story i read, the crevice in my heart grew deeper.  it wasn't just my baby that i mourned for; it was each and every baby that had died and every momma who had to experience that pain. 

something had to change.  i had to stop reading.  i had to get back to mourning my girl alone and somehow pretending that she was the only one; nobody else had to go through what we went through; it was so rare that it couldn't possibly happen again.  for me that was the only way that i thought i could go through pregnancy again.

someone told me that maybe sofia was just too special to be on this earth, to breath this air and walk on this ground.  somehow this gave me a bit of peace.  she is my angel that came into my life to make me a better person, but couldn't stay long. 

because of sofia, i am the woman and mother that i am today.  i hold nolan a little tighter and kiss him a little more often.  i drink in his scent a little more deeply.  we cuddle a little longer and laugh a little harder together.  and i thank god every night for both of my sweet babes, one in heaven and one here on earth.

my heart goes out to the families going through that same pain.  there is nothing that can be said to take it away, nothing that can be done.  you just have to live in that space, as painful as it is, and hold each other close just to get by.  time is the only thing that will heal a broken heart.  hold their memories close to your heart and cherish the all too short time that you had them.  build a system of support around you so you can completely collapse and someone will be there to help you stand back up again.  ignore those who don't have a clue and say all the wrong things...and know that they don't mean it, they just don't know how to react.

to all of you women who are apart of this painful, unwanted, heart-breaking sisterhood: i love you.  i love your babies.  i'm so sorry for your loss.  know that you are not alone and try not to let that scare you.  i pray that we will see our angels again, hold them, rock them, kiss them and tell them how happy they made us. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

holistic kid - weekly drawing...i wanna win!

this year has been mainly about three things: 1) losing stuff...see previous blog 2) getting sick and 3) a) learning about how to be healthier, naturally (as to prevent the continuation of #2 in 2012) and b) learning about child development and parenting tactics.  this blog falls into category three, part a.  :)

when it comes to natural healing and prevention, emily bartlett, owner of holistic kid is my go-to resource.  she is an acupuncturist, massage therapist, a chinese herbalist and is a wizard when it comes to holistic treatments.  she also knows a ridiculous amount about how food/nutrition affects our health.

a few weeks ago, i won a book (wild fermentation) during one of her giveaways.  this week's giveaway is a book called gut and psychology syndrome.  it is a book about how the food we eat can help treat various ailments, such as add, autism, depression and more.  it sounds super-interesting and is right in line with my 2011 plans of food/nutrition/health education.  for more information about this giveaway, check out her webpage!