when we left the ultrasound appointment, we were in shock. we sat in the car for i don't know how long before we drove home. i can't thank god enough that anthony was there with me that day. i was in pieces and i don't know how i would have made it home.
we had the night to mourn our little girl (we actually still didn't know that she was a she), knowing that in the morning i would have to do the most unthinkable thing. how in the world do you prepare yourself to go through labor and not get to take your baby home with you? still to this day, i have no idea how i did it.
we got to the hospital at 10-ish saturday morning and by 2:00pm, i was in a gown, hooked up to an iv, being induced by cytotec. the doctors, residents and nurses were absolutely amazing. before they got me all hooked up, they performed another ultrasound for verification and to see if they could determine any sort of a cause (to no avail). this was the first time we got to see our baby. the second came 32 hours later when i gave birth to a 22 week old (5 1/2 months), 1lb 3oz, 11 inch little girl. even though at this point, she had been gone for at least 2 and up to 3 1/2 days, she was still so unbelievably beautiful. we had brought two blankets from home that my grandma had made for her. one stayed with her and one came home with us. they gave us foot and hand prints. we held her. we took pictures. we talked to her. i sang to her. and just like that, our little girl was gone.
we went home late the next evening and i fell...i fell deep. there were days that hurt so bad that i had to be nearly pried out of bed. there were days that i no longer wanted to be. even now, as i sit here typing this, tears stream down my face. my heart aches. not a day goes by that i don't think of her, that i don't talk to her, that i don't sleep with her blanket and wish it was her instead and not everyday, but so very often, i cry...oh, how i cry.
it is unbelievable to me to think that when i found out i was pregnant, i felt so unsure and frightened about being a mother. and a mere 5 1/2 months later, there wasn't anything i wanted more. to have that ripped away from me...i can't even put into words how that felt. my heart feels pain for every woman who has lost a child. it is a crevice in my heart and my soul that will never heal and i know every other woman feels exactly the same way. i now know...it has made me a stronger woman and a better mother. i just wish that there had been another way, any other way for me to become this new woman.
i love you my sweet sofia. you will always be my little girl and someday i will hold you in my arms again. until then, i will hold you in my heart.
~sofia isabella lam, born december 7th, 2008~
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