Thursday, September 15, 2011

i'm a member of an unwanted sisterhood

in the last week, i have twice heard the heart-breaking news of a mommy losing her baby in utero.  one at 30 weeks.  one at 38 weeks.  hearing this stops me in my matter what i'm doing. that deep cavernous hole that i fell into when we lost sofia starts creeping its way toward my toes.  all i can do is think of my angel baby, pray for those families, hug my son really close and feel the tears well up in my eyes.  i know all too well what they are going through.

the days after i gave birth to sofia, i searched the internet for websites about loss and blogs recounting similar stories.  i couldn't have been alone.  surely there were other women in my same place.  i needed to feel a sense of community...that simply because i was 22 weeks and not 30, 38 or 40 weeks that she wasn't any less "real".  i found them.  lots of them.  and i got sucked in.  with each new story i read, the crevice in my heart grew deeper.  it wasn't just my baby that i mourned for; it was each and every baby that had died and every momma who had to experience that pain. 

something had to change.  i had to stop reading.  i had to get back to mourning my girl alone and somehow pretending that she was the only one; nobody else had to go through what we went through; it was so rare that it couldn't possibly happen again.  for me that was the only way that i thought i could go through pregnancy again.

someone told me that maybe sofia was just too special to be on this earth, to breath this air and walk on this ground.  somehow this gave me a bit of peace.  she is my angel that came into my life to make me a better person, but couldn't stay long. 

because of sofia, i am the woman and mother that i am today.  i hold nolan a little tighter and kiss him a little more often.  i drink in his scent a little more deeply.  we cuddle a little longer and laugh a little harder together.  and i thank god every night for both of my sweet babes, one in heaven and one here on earth.

my heart goes out to the families going through that same pain.  there is nothing that can be said to take it away, nothing that can be done.  you just have to live in that space, as painful as it is, and hold each other close just to get by.  time is the only thing that will heal a broken heart.  hold their memories close to your heart and cherish the all too short time that you had them.  build a system of support around you so you can completely collapse and someone will be there to help you stand back up again.  ignore those who don't have a clue and say all the wrong things...and know that they don't mean it, they just don't know how to react.

to all of you women who are apart of this painful, unwanted, heart-breaking sisterhood: i love you.  i love your babies.  i'm so sorry for your loss.  know that you are not alone and try not to let that scare you.  i pray that we will see our angels again, hold them, rock them, kiss them and tell them how happy they made us. 

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